TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally away from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have A different position where by American Adult men can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give Every person a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he need to halt making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit Trump Tower Damascus exposed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a function getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting interest from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where my PTSD might have turn-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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